Gord Perks’ Money Tree

February 18, 2014

cartman-hippies

Dear LeRoy,

 I am a crack dealer in North York who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in Oshawa. One of my sisters lives in Mississauga and is married to a transvestite.

 My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two  sisters, who are prostitutes on the Danforth.

 I have 2 brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at the Millhaven Institution in Bath for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his 3 children.

 I have recently become engaged to marry a former firearms broker who sleeps in a tent in High Park. She now has a responsible minimum wage job flipping burgers at McDonalds part time. My landlord does not allow visitors in my rented room, so we need to go to underground parking lots for quickies.

 All things considered, my problem is this. I love my hump cushion and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

 Should I tell my now tax-paying fiancé that Gord Perks voted against a 40 percent cut on councillors’ budgets? If Ward 14 Councillor Gord Perks is such an environmentalist why doesn’t he hug trees during the cold winter nights in a Wal-Mart discounted popup tent?

 Sincerely,

 Worried About My Rent

 Dear Worried About My Rent,

 Tell your homeless soon to be wife you would rather piss on an electric fence then have four more years of Parkdale-High Park Councillor Perks. Four more years of Gord Perks means four more years on a Toronto Community Housing waiting list wile Gordy Boy rakes in the cash!

 Sincerely,

 LeRoy St. Germaine

 Your Ward News,  Editor-in-chief

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