“The Ontario Brown Act” Ontario’s New Act on Renewal Energy

March 24, 2015

By Luella TheSnitch
March 1, 2015

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The Ontario Government announced today a new initiative in the development of renewable energy sources.

It has negotiated a deal with the Chinese Government to build processing plants for waste. China is internationally recognized as a world leader in the re-processing of human waste.

“With six billion people” says the Chinese Minister, Jhit Shingles “one can imagine the staggering productivity”.

The disposal of so much waste has been a logistical nightmare until China undertook strong measures to reconstitute their product.

“What we did,” says Minister Jhit, “is separate the liquids from the solids. The liquids are filtered, all chemicals and by-products recovered and we are left with clean water ready for the hot-pot! We call it hotable-potable water!”

The solid waste is dried and formed into pellets. It makes excellent growth compost and is particularly suited in the fertilization of Brown Rice.

“We look forward to working with the Government of Ontario in further advances of this industry,” said Jhit. “We are especially interested in the new direction that Ontario is pursuing with this success.”

The Minister of Energy, Bobo Charlatani, plans to combine this with the efficacious  achievements of Ontario’s Green Act.

“As we all know,” says Bobo, “Ontario has engaged the wind turbine industry to invest in turbines whereby the electricity produced is added to the grid and the investors are compensated for their product.”

“With this Brown Act, we will be connecting the waste systems throughout the province, accumulating the Brown Brew in one main reservoir (located very near Queen’s Park) where the essence will be processed. What Ontario proposes is an advanced approach whereby a meter will be connected to every latrine and the confection from each toilet will be measured (just like with the turbines).”

Responding to questions from the media, the Minister explained that, for each dump a resident undertakes, the government will measure the “Toiletry” and send him a cheque.

“Of course, the meters will be ‘smart meters’ and calibrated to measure the liquidity, solidity and time of production.”

Accordingly, Toiletry received when the House is in session will have a greater return (this will be known as ROI). The highest rates will be paid during ‘Question Period’.

“Imagine,” said the Minister, “the other nations will look upon Ontario as the leader of World Energy Development. We will be known internationally as the Toilet Centre of the Planet.”

“An Ontarian will be able to earn money by taking a dump. Of course, they’ll have to get off the throne to deposit the cheques,” says Bobo, with a glint of humour in his eyes.

The first meters will be installed in the Liberal offices at Queen’s Park where the greatest return of investment (ROI) is expected.
The Inaugural Dump will be performed by the Premier who is renowned for her ability to simultaneously dump and stand at attention while singing “God Save the Queens!”

Community leaders will be invited to the ceremony where souvenir pellets will commemorate the event.

The attendees will also be given a Sears-Roebuck Catalogue to take home. Refreshments will be needed.

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