The Sad Tale of the Fallen Faery!

BY Luella TheSnitch

Once upon a time, in a land nearby (Danforth Village) there was a faery who lived and worked amongst the mass unwashed and who aspired to be Queen of the Ward.

Now, in this land there were two Wards. They were known as Thirty-One and Thirty-Two.

The faery was a close friend of the (evil) Queen of Thirty-One who was called Janet of Davis and who was in a position to help the faery, (known as Lorie of Fairburn), become the next Queen of Thirty-Two.

Therefore, in an effort to ingratiate herself to this Queen Janet, Lorie the Faery did devote herself to Queen Janet’s cause and assiduously kissed Janet’s Pompous Posterior, frequently and enthusiastically, thereby earning the title of Lorie the Royal Catch-Fart.

Eventually, this peaceful Queendom was subjected to an election wherein Janet was opposed by an equally evil force, known as Janet of Sherbanowski. This Janet of Sherbanowski had a wicked disposition wherein she applied for grants and subsidies and then made the funds from said grants disappear! Her magical powers enabled her to make the money recede into the Mysts of Tyme where no auditor could find it.

Whilst this election proceeded, Lorie the Royal Catch-Fart actively served Queen Janet’s cause until one day Lorie, in her enthusiasm, kissed the Royal Rump excessively and it blew up in her face. You see, whilst Lorie was working for Neighbourhood Link (which received funding from the Royal Castle where Janet of Davis resided) such an act was considered “smelly and in conflict.”

This was because Lorie was also a member of the Danforth Village BIA (better known as the Janet Davis BIA) and it was considered a no-no to kiss the Royal Rump in public lest people viewed it as an unhealthy alliance (perish the thought!)

Anyway, this smelly debacle became known as ‘The Endorsement’ because Janet of Davis stupidly made it known to one and all that the Janet Davis BIA had endorsed her candidacy, thanks to Lorie the Faery who was a Director of the aforesaid BIA.

Whereupon, Janet of Sherbanowski, whose candidacy was gaining momentum by going downhill faster than a crashing meteor, did issue forth from her cave and scream, “Blue Murder!” Janet of Sherbanowski quickly rushed forth and complained about this Sin to the Integrity Commissioner (I know ‘Sherbanowski’ and ‘Integrity’ do not belong in the same sentence… in fact they don’t belong on the same planet! But let’s not permit such onerous trifles interfere with a good story.)

Where was I? Ohh, yeah…

Simultaneously, she brought her complaint to the attention of (Lorie’s bosses) the Neighbourhood Link Elders (Board of Directors) who convened a conclave wherein they deliberated on what to do with their Fallen Faery. After considerable consideration (12 seconds), they fired her ass and instructed her to desist from any more catch-farting.

Janet of Sherbanowski (whose election had cratered) consoled herself by snatching victory at the Janet Davis BIA by being elected (at last!) to the position of Secretary. Ironically, this position was literally stolen from Lorie the Fairburn Faery who coveted it, as it would have placed her in closer proximity to the Pompous Posterior.

As Secretary, Janet of Sherbanowski now has a close-up view of the Royal Rump and is able to report any further accumulation of olfactorious substances to the Commissioner.

And thus ends the sad story of Lorie, the Fallen Fucking Faery who brings a new meaning to the phrase, “Dost Not Lose Thy Head Over a Piece of Tale”.